As I promised, here is my last piece of note on this difficult subject.
Qur'an has given the options with strict instructions for behavior and as I looked at the advantages and disadvantages in practical life I was perplexed to find myself confronted with a situation having more disadvantages than advantages and basically everything depends on the attitudes of persons involved (Husband and all the wives and their families and children etc.)
Advantages of having more than one wife:
Man has more than one woman to love and share warmth of two 'homes'. (advatge?)
IF there is some shortcoming or something missing in one wife (like ability to have children) , the other may have compensatory things in it. But even if you have four of them you may still be "short" of something" (Remeber Qur'an's statement, "....Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good." Nisaa, aya-19).
Another perhaps small advantage, when you have argument with one you may find solace in the other (possibly). Although when you truly love someone (I presumed you did when you got a second or third one), there is always room open for forgiveness and patching up.
So, from practical point of view there is not much advantage
Advantages for a woman as one of multiple wives:
Security of and assurance of having a husband even though "less than whole"
Sharing with other wives a life although it may be disadvantage more than advantage.
Really speaking there is no other advantage for woman, and whatever there appears to be is also more of a disadvantage than advantage (It is nothing more than a 'married state' from an unmarried one)
Disadvantages for man:
Maintaining more than one home with added expenditure. Has to by more than one of everything.
More children which may be both advatage as well as disadvantage depending upon how well-behaved they are.
Has to be on gurad all the time for the jealousy between the wives and would need to tolerate 'music' from more than one
When there is clear 'fighting' between two of them, how do you make adjustment or play what role, can be very exacting
More than one group of "In-laws" to deal with and of course the inlaws' visits which can be burdon-some to say the least.
I have presumed, here that wives and husband have mutual love each one of them and husband has enough money to maintain more than one 'home' (May be one large residence with more than one living quarters or more than one houses in the same area or different areas etc.)
Disadvantages for the wives:
Jealousy, a state that exists continuously is the most easily seen which may be intolerable for some (see my previous mentioning about the prophet's unhappiness for Fatima RA)
Sharing everything with other wives (other than the love of husband)
If one is unlucky to have inability to bear children, becomes a 'second-class wife'
Sharing children can be grounds for rift and unhappiness.
Now looking back (from practical point of view), I feel there is not a whole lot of advantage whereas there are more disadvantages for the man and of course there is even more disadvantage for the woman. I am therefore of the opinion to stick to one at a time only and find all the good things in her, you can enjoy and make 'sabr' for those you find 'missing' and there is no doubt in my mind that you get 'rewards for both, just as the wife can do the same and will be rewarded for her both attitudes.
That said, I now feel I am ready to talk about what is the best way to live together happily (Living with m'aroof method). Insha-Allah my next note.
Qur'an has given the options with strict instructions for behavior and as I looked at the advantages and disadvantages in practical life I was perplexed to find myself confronted with a situation having more disadvantages than advantages and basically everything depends on the attitudes of persons involved (Husband and all the wives and their families and children etc.)
Advantages of having more than one wife:
Man has more than one woman to love and share warmth of two 'homes'. (advatge?)
IF there is some shortcoming or something missing in one wife (like ability to have children) , the other may have compensatory things in it. But even if you have four of them you may still be "short" of something" (Remeber Qur'an's statement, "....Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good." Nisaa, aya-19).
Another perhaps small advantage, when you have argument with one you may find solace in the other (possibly). Although when you truly love someone (I presumed you did when you got a second or third one), there is always room open for forgiveness and patching up.
So, from practical point of view there is not much advantage
Advantages for a woman as one of multiple wives:
Security of and assurance of having a husband even though "less than whole"
Sharing with other wives a life although it may be disadvantage more than advantage.
Really speaking there is no other advantage for woman, and whatever there appears to be is also more of a disadvantage than advantage (It is nothing more than a 'married state' from an unmarried one)
Disadvantages for man:
Maintaining more than one home with added expenditure. Has to by more than one of everything.
More children which may be both advatage as well as disadvantage depending upon how well-behaved they are.
Has to be on gurad all the time for the jealousy between the wives and would need to tolerate 'music' from more than one
When there is clear 'fighting' between two of them, how do you make adjustment or play what role, can be very exacting
More than one group of "In-laws" to deal with and of course the inlaws' visits which can be burdon-some to say the least.
I have presumed, here that wives and husband have mutual love each one of them and husband has enough money to maintain more than one 'home' (May be one large residence with more than one living quarters or more than one houses in the same area or different areas etc.)
Disadvantages for the wives:
Jealousy, a state that exists continuously is the most easily seen which may be intolerable for some (see my previous mentioning about the prophet's unhappiness for Fatima RA)
Sharing everything with other wives (other than the love of husband)
If one is unlucky to have inability to bear children, becomes a 'second-class wife'
Sharing children can be grounds for rift and unhappiness.
Now looking back (from practical point of view), I feel there is not a whole lot of advantage whereas there are more disadvantages for the man and of course there is even more disadvantage for the woman. I am therefore of the opinion to stick to one at a time only and find all the good things in her, you can enjoy and make 'sabr' for those you find 'missing' and there is no doubt in my mind that you get 'rewards for both, just as the wife can do the same and will be rewarded for her both attitudes.
That said, I now feel I am ready to talk about what is the best way to live together happily (Living with m'aroof method). Insha-Allah my next note.
1 comment:
abbu thanks for posting your thoughts and knowledge about this! it's been very interesting to read; i've been reading a lot of other blogs about this subject too, some of them very disheartening (i.e., both the apologist view and the "women should just deal with it" view). as always, i truly appreciate your balance...
wish you were here today! taiyyaba and i are having a "high tea" with sandwiches, tarts, cakes - all homemade of course!
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