Uncommon wisdom is uncommon but common wisdom is also not common.
"Dear Lord! I pray for wisdom--to understand a man; for love--to forgive him; patience--for his moods: and because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death."
You get so many 'puns' in your 'junk email' that the above may not do anything more than causing a smile to appear on your face but if you think more seriously, this is no ordinary 'joke'. It indicates that they both (wife as well as husband) need love, patience and wisdom for a peaceful and loving atmosphere in a spousal relationship and not physical strength or for that matter a superiority/authority of some kind.
Well, although the above is relevant,I wanted to start with Sura Taghabun (64th) aya 14 and 15:
"O ye who believe! truly among your wives and your children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves; so beware of them! but if ye forgive and overlook and cover-up (their faults), verily Allah is oft-forgiving and most merciful"
"Your riches and your children may be but a trial, but in the Presence of Allah is the highest reward."
Just as the "pun' quoted above should be equally applicable for both spouses, so is the Aya quoted. Maudoodi Rahemahullah (Tafheemul-Qur'an) makes the point for both husband (H) and wife (W) and Asad Marhoom translates (Azwaaj) as spouse rather than wife, making a strong point that the aya stands for both H and W.
In explanations they all (Maudoodi, Asad, IBn-e-Kathir, Mufti M. Shafi rahemahullah and Uthmani etc.) describe the background for 'nuzool' and advise that your spouses are like enemy to you because their love for each other may drive one to unworthy acts or going against the Islamic teachings, so "beware". The next part of the aya--- From the Great merciful an advice that if you have been misled and find your spouse repenting forgive him/her for the sake of love and compassion (remember from S.30, aya 21). Be generous in forgiving and 'covering-up' and overlooking and that is also applicable to children but I wish to talk about child-parent relationship sepately, so I'll not say much about the 15th aya at present.
Now, go back to equal rights of women but the men have a small upper hand and also the physical or monetary superiority of H. Then see if you get angry with your spouse (that is not uncommon) keep that forgiving attitude (understandably difficult thing when you have lost temper (which is equal to losing your wits) thinking is never straight in that 'rage' (I know my own language abilities become severely limited and I mean something different although the word that comes out of my mouth is totally different) there may be a misjudged oratory explosion which will hurt both the listener as well as the orator.
There is hadeeth of the prophet when he asked who is the most powerful (strongest) man and on the suggestions of sahaba about a well-built wrestler, he said, "No, the man who can control his temper" or something like that (I am not quoting exact one)
Another hadeeth, "Best man (acchay akhlaq wala) is the one who is good to his family and I am the best among you" (not an exact quote again).
When two persons live together (like room-mates, for example who are also friends) they have certain rules by which they 'tolerate each other's excesses or cover each other's shortcomings'. The same rules are applicable in living together of H and W to some extent if not all.
Neither the man should consider it his priviledge or right that because he is stronger, is the 'bread-winner', provider for the family (Qawwam), must be 'obeyed' in everything by his wife or else 'beat her up' (this priviledge, although that is the last resort (stage)for the man in the case of a woman whose actions are demeaning to the family and to the man (and Only for that kind of behavior) three stages have been given by Allah in the oft-quoted aya (34 of S. Al-Nisaa).
Nor a woman should consider it her duty to (always)argue with H, just because she has equal rights so she must try to win the argument (in case she may be considered oppressed), nor should she take it upon herself that feminism means being arrogant and un-cooperative to her H.
A middly path is what will bring peace and tranquility in a home. Remember also that sometimes losing an argument for the sake love can save a marriage (or at least the peaceful and loving air in a home) than winning an argument and losing the marriage (or at least he peacful and loving air of a home). Remember that when you are living for a life-time a bad feeling that has resulted from losing an argument (or anything else) can be 'dangerous' for it does not necessarily go away. It may reappear in other forms or at later situations and moreover 'bad feelings' placed one on top of another while having a subliminal effect may reach a breaking threshold one day, with resultant 'explosion'.
An understanding between the two persons (spouses) must exist according to the temperaments of each other and no two spouses are excatly the same as another couple. What may be good for one couple may not be the same for another couple so please dont compare with other couples to justify one thing or the other. "Khuda punj angusht yaksan na kerd" (God did not make all five fingers equal)
Spouses should be friends as well as "king and Queen" of the house (not two kings or two queens with all powers vested in him or her) , both have equal powers but their spheres of weilding the powers are not necessarily the same. Some situations queen has more power and other situation the king has more power AND they consult with each other in everything. That is equal rights.
There should be a balance between the 'rights' and duties' imposed on each spouse. Always demanding 'right' can hurt the rights of the other spouse and reminding the other persons' duties is less fruitful than being mindful of one's own duties.
I cannot, of course, give all the examples and situations that one couple is likely to face in their lifetime but suffice it to say the above q uoted principles can go a long way to establish a stable and peaceful atmosphere in a home and thus a relatively happier home. Most problems at least in the beginning of a newly wed couple originate from an "image" that a H has of what a W should be like or a W has of what a H should be like and each one getting surprise on finding out, "Well, I did not know you could be like that". Unfortunately the composite "image" develops from here and there, from home (father/mother) or TV programs or movies dramas etc., stories with half truths and half fantacies etc. cultural background, personal dispositions and so on.
Leave your personal "Images" somewhere else, not in your home where you need to deal with your life-mate as he or she is (and not what he or she should be like)
With the exception of my personal example of temper, I have only given a dispassionate 'generic' system of spousal realtionship and not given anything from my vast and lengthy life-experience of thousands of couples I have known and had the occasion to ponder over them. How much I have succeeded in helping everybody only Allah knows and I had no other motive, so forgive me my dear reader, if I have hurt your feelings at some point or said something distasteful to your goodself and I ask for forgiveness from my Creator Almighty Allah for misunderstanding or misinterpreting his 'Aya' for what He means by an Aya only He knows best and my knowledge can never measure up to anything at all.
Next I wish to embark upon child-parent relations insha-Allah.
"Dear Lord! I pray for wisdom--to understand a man; for love--to forgive him; patience--for his moods: and because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death."
You get so many 'puns' in your 'junk email' that the above may not do anything more than causing a smile to appear on your face but if you think more seriously, this is no ordinary 'joke'. It indicates that they both (wife as well as husband) need love, patience and wisdom for a peaceful and loving atmosphere in a spousal relationship and not physical strength or for that matter a superiority/authority of some kind.
Well, although the above is relevant,I wanted to start with Sura Taghabun (64th) aya 14 and 15:
"O ye who believe! truly among your wives and your children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves; so beware of them! but if ye forgive and overlook and cover-up (their faults), verily Allah is oft-forgiving and most merciful"
"Your riches and your children may be but a trial, but in the Presence of Allah is the highest reward."
Just as the "pun' quoted above should be equally applicable for both spouses, so is the Aya quoted. Maudoodi Rahemahullah (Tafheemul-Qur'an) makes the point for both husband (H) and wife (W) and Asad Marhoom translates (Azwaaj) as spouse rather than wife, making a strong point that the aya stands for both H and W.
In explanations they all (Maudoodi, Asad, IBn-e-Kathir, Mufti M. Shafi rahemahullah and Uthmani etc.) describe the background for 'nuzool' and advise that your spouses are like enemy to you because their love for each other may drive one to unworthy acts or going against the Islamic teachings, so "beware". The next part of the aya--- From the Great merciful an advice that if you have been misled and find your spouse repenting forgive him/her for the sake of love and compassion (remember from S.30, aya 21). Be generous in forgiving and 'covering-up' and overlooking and that is also applicable to children but I wish to talk about child-parent relationship sepately, so I'll not say much about the 15th aya at present.
Now, go back to equal rights of women but the men have a small upper hand and also the physical or monetary superiority of H. Then see if you get angry with your spouse (that is not uncommon) keep that forgiving attitude (understandably difficult thing when you have lost temper (which is equal to losing your wits) thinking is never straight in that 'rage' (I know my own language abilities become severely limited and I mean something different although the word that comes out of my mouth is totally different) there may be a misjudged oratory explosion which will hurt both the listener as well as the orator.
There is hadeeth of the prophet when he asked who is the most powerful (strongest) man and on the suggestions of sahaba about a well-built wrestler, he said, "No, the man who can control his temper" or something like that (I am not quoting exact one)
Another hadeeth, "Best man (acchay akhlaq wala) is the one who is good to his family and I am the best among you" (not an exact quote again).
When two persons live together (like room-mates, for example who are also friends) they have certain rules by which they 'tolerate each other's excesses or cover each other's shortcomings'. The same rules are applicable in living together of H and W to some extent if not all.
Neither the man should consider it his priviledge or right that because he is stronger, is the 'bread-winner', provider for the family (Qawwam), must be 'obeyed' in everything by his wife or else 'beat her up' (this priviledge, although that is the last resort (stage)for the man in the case of a woman whose actions are demeaning to the family and to the man (and Only for that kind of behavior) three stages have been given by Allah in the oft-quoted aya (34 of S. Al-Nisaa).
Nor a woman should consider it her duty to (always)argue with H, just because she has equal rights so she must try to win the argument (in case she may be considered oppressed), nor should she take it upon herself that feminism means being arrogant and un-cooperative to her H.
A middly path is what will bring peace and tranquility in a home. Remember also that sometimes losing an argument for the sake love can save a marriage (or at least the peaceful and loving air in a home) than winning an argument and losing the marriage (or at least he peacful and loving air of a home). Remember that when you are living for a life-time a bad feeling that has resulted from losing an argument (or anything else) can be 'dangerous' for it does not necessarily go away. It may reappear in other forms or at later situations and moreover 'bad feelings' placed one on top of another while having a subliminal effect may reach a breaking threshold one day, with resultant 'explosion'.
An understanding between the two persons (spouses) must exist according to the temperaments of each other and no two spouses are excatly the same as another couple. What may be good for one couple may not be the same for another couple so please dont compare with other couples to justify one thing or the other. "Khuda punj angusht yaksan na kerd" (God did not make all five fingers equal)
Spouses should be friends as well as "king and Queen" of the house (not two kings or two queens with all powers vested in him or her) , both have equal powers but their spheres of weilding the powers are not necessarily the same. Some situations queen has more power and other situation the king has more power AND they consult with each other in everything. That is equal rights.
There should be a balance between the 'rights' and duties' imposed on each spouse. Always demanding 'right' can hurt the rights of the other spouse and reminding the other persons' duties is less fruitful than being mindful of one's own duties.
I cannot, of course, give all the examples and situations that one couple is likely to face in their lifetime but suffice it to say the above q uoted principles can go a long way to establish a stable and peaceful atmosphere in a home and thus a relatively happier home. Most problems at least in the beginning of a newly wed couple originate from an "image" that a H has of what a W should be like or a W has of what a H should be like and each one getting surprise on finding out, "Well, I did not know you could be like that". Unfortunately the composite "image" develops from here and there, from home (father/mother) or TV programs or movies dramas etc., stories with half truths and half fantacies etc. cultural background, personal dispositions and so on.
Leave your personal "Images" somewhere else, not in your home where you need to deal with your life-mate as he or she is (and not what he or she should be like)
With the exception of my personal example of temper, I have only given a dispassionate 'generic' system of spousal realtionship and not given anything from my vast and lengthy life-experience of thousands of couples I have known and had the occasion to ponder over them. How much I have succeeded in helping everybody only Allah knows and I had no other motive, so forgive me my dear reader, if I have hurt your feelings at some point or said something distasteful to your goodself and I ask for forgiveness from my Creator Almighty Allah for misunderstanding or misinterpreting his 'Aya' for what He means by an Aya only He knows best and my knowledge can never measure up to anything at all.
Next I wish to embark upon child-parent relations insha-Allah.
2 comments:
maza aa gaya !
Beautiful read !!
Mystic, your loyalty for my notes is appreciated.
I still have so many things that I want to say but the fear of prolongation I must prioritize.
Jazakallah Khair
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