Sunday Surkhi – Old people’s Home

There are some horrible stories about what happens to the elderly of immigrants in USA and as always there are two sides of the story.

Once we were in a group to discuss (Brain-storming session) what is the “future” plan for the elderly (Muslims) in our society?

I found out we had very poor knowledge about this and had very little to offer, in the way of practical suggestions. Let me start from (what we did on that day)

“Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but HIM and that ye be kind to parents, whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, Say not to them a word of contempt nor repel them but address them in terms of honor

And out of kindness lower to them the wing of humility and say, My Lord! bestow on them Thy mercy even as they cherished me in my childhood “. Verses 23 and 24 from Sura # 17, Bani Israeel

Much has been done in tafseer of these verses and these verses reflect the main cultural value of parents in our society. How to deal with it in THIS country is a different matter. I believe that Verses are not time related they are true for all times and all societies including USA today. The reality, however, is that the way of life here is such that elderly are not tolerated when they retire and are less-functioning or otherwise an nuisance to live with. Whatever the situation respect should never be lost. Daughter-in-laws are frequent sources of such happening even though the “privacy” may not be as helpful as perceived. After all the daughter in law, herself, will get to that age also given the time and mothers mother-in-laws and fathers father-in-laws will be roles all “children” will take over one day. The cycle will go on.

So does an “Old people’s Home”, form an answer?

I do not know but worth considering at least in selected cases. I personally would hate to be in that situation but at (almost 76) my age I am up and about and able to take care of myself and do not have the usual old age ailments other than mild“arthritis”. Language, friends, surroundings, and TV and computer are all good investments but all in my age cannot operate these gadgets or cannot afford. I have, for instance, spent lot of money to be able to spend just a few hours with my old friends even for travelling long distances and even to Pakistan. These are all personal solutions and not a prescription for all.

Old peoples homes are notoriously ill-equipped, poorly staffed or staffed with poorly trained and even rude personnel etc. etc. So when your parents God-forbid are sick or unhealthy or disabled what are the choices?

I do not know we have a clearly definable prescription. Individual decisions tailored to the families and their circumstances would be the rule.

Unfortunately the “daughter-in-law” gets the bad name and she is therefore under greater pressure from all sides. I am afraid I have very little to go on for taking her side because no matter how you see it a son has a responsibility for his parents for in most situations he as well as his wife owe everything to them. The “parent of “home-less to Harvard” kind  child are not common but most immigrant parents have sacrificed much to give their children the life they enjoy. No doubt this is a society for single families and individualistic but some compromise must be created at least for,at least, one or two generations.

I have only touched upon one or two aspects of this multi-faceted question and am still  undecided about “solutions” Old people’s home or your own home?  There is no doubt if you keep own“home”, the rewards are tremendous especially in the hereafter, they may be a source of key to your Paradise. That is the Islamic understanding or teaching.